It's a...

"Nother boy!!! He's great, healthy, active, and perfect in every way!

We are very happy and so excited... but OMG... 3 boys!!! Every time I say that to myself I get a few more gray hairs! LOL

My myspace has pics!

I keep telling myself... It could have been worse...

Today was one of those days I hope never repeats itself. Some parts of the day were ok, but the morning was not. It could have been worse. It should have never happened. But it still could have been worse. Having one of those heart stopping mommy moments start my Sunday morning off was not what I anticipated.

It all started yesterday. My sister called me early to let me know that a neighbor by my parents house was having a garage sale and there was an outside play gym for sale, that it was in good condition and I should take a look. We have been looking for something like this for a while, its not "the one" but its one that will do until we can get them the set I'd like to get. Having such a big back yard I really have been working at getting some fun outside things to do. They have a play house but Carter has outgrown that, we're getting them a sand box for their birthday next month so the only thing they really don't have was a play gym with a slide. When I got to the garage sale and saw it I thought to myself FINALLY! It was perfect for the boys and best of all, only $25! Score! I called hubby up and told him to come get it.

We get it home and we both look at each other with the same expression on our faces, how are "we" going to get this in our back yard... I'm not supposed to lift anything over 25lbs (I do anyway but this was definitely beyond what I should do.) Somehow Mark got it in by himself, but he did have one little helper. Carter was so excited and begged to help daddy out. We agreed to let him help as long as he stood out of the way. I didn't realize what a mistake that was. He watches daddy's every move, he wants to be just like him, of course. What 3 year old boy doesn't want to be just like daddy? Carter didn't miss a thing, including how to open the lock on the gate.

So this morning we all wake up around 7am. It was nice waking up to Mark being home, for a change. This was the first morning he's had off, with us, in the last month. The boys were wound up and wanting to play outside, I opened the door and let them go while I made breakfast. Mark was in the bedroom reading the news on the computer. It was a typical Sunday morning when Mark is home. From the kitchen I have full view of our completely fenced in back yard. We live in the kind of neighborhood where people watch out for everyone and there's always someone outside enjoying the peacefulness our neighborhood has to offer. Keep in mind the majority of the people in the city we live in are elderly folks. There is no such thing as crime in our little town. I grew up here, I trust the people here, and even though its sometimes a bore to live here, I feel safe here. Which is the one and only reason I haven't left yet. Needless to say I feel completely comfortable letting my kids play in the back yard without feeling the need to watch over them like hawks. If I can hear them and I can see them, then I'm good.

While making breakfast I notice the boys got quiet. This usually means they're digging in the dirt like dogs and don't want mommy to come out there and yell at them. As much as I can't stand that, I wish that was the case. I can't see the boys anywhere so I immediately stopped what I was doing to go look for them. My heart is pounding. Where were they? I saw Carter first, he was by the edge of the gate playing with something, I don't even know what he was playing with, all I saw was him and the opened gate. Nolan was no where to be found. I asked Carter where Nolan was, I apparently shouted this since not only did Carter hear me but so did my next door neighbor and Mark who was inside and oblivious to anything going on. The gate was open... finally it sunk in that my baby escaped. I ran right out to the street, I looked left, then right, still no sign of him. My heart was racing, I was screaming for Mark to hurry up. Across the street from us is a row of houses, behind those houses is a pond. I was just about to run to that pond although every ounce of me did not want too. I just couldn't believe this was happening. It felt like forever but was probably just a few seconds before another neighbor 2 doors down came walking down the side walk with Nolan in her hands. She was walking her dog and Nolan came up to greet her and her puppy. Thank God and every one of our Guardian Angels! I instantly burst into tears, my neighbor hugged me and told Nolan that he shouldn't scare his mommy like that. Nolan being the sweet little lover he is hugged me, then went back to wanting to cuddle with my neighbor. Its a good thing he's such a people person! My neighbor kept telling me it was ok, these things happen and that's why this is such a great community because we all watch out for each other...etc. I know that, but that doesn't make this right. *IF* she had woken up a few mins earlier and wasn't outside at the time... *IF* Nolan didn't see anyone else and wandered across the street to the pond... *IF*.... I keep going over all of these if's in my mind. I feel my punishment for letting this happen is to torture myself with these if's so I make sure it never happens again.

The part that makes me the most upset was that this has happened before, sort of. We had just moved in, crap was everywhere and I couldn't find anything, including my good baby gate (which has yet to appear.) The only one I could find was my cheap little wooden one, it did the job, but apparently was not Carter proof. We had just gotten a new lawnmower from my dad and Carter was completely infatuated with it. He wanted to go outside and look at it. I said no. I went to the bathroom and while I was peeinig he was knocking down the gate and doing what I told him he couldn't do. I was gone for just a second and as soon as I was done I realized what happened. Thankfully they didn't go far and I spotted them quickly. I brought them inside, and while I'm not usually one to spank my kids I did spank Carter for this and explained to him that his actions could have caused himself and/or Nolan to get seriously hurt, or worse. Immediately after I went to Target and bought a gate that's not only Carter proof, its pretty much adult proof to everyone but Mark and I.

This time around I did not spank Carter. It obviously didn't work, he doesn't understand the seriousness of what could happen. He loves his brother and watches out for him, but he's 3 and is not his babysitter. He realized after that what he did was wrong, he was upset and cried to me that he would never do that again. Well I already know that, I would definitely make sure of that! The gate has a lock on it that I thought was childproof, and it may very well be but Carter is not the average child and it obviously was not Carter proof! We decided to skip breakfast and went strait to Lowes, our gate now has 2 heavy duty chains with 2 heavy duty master locks on them. The key's are hidden in a spot I probably will never remember so I think its safe to say that this particular gate is permanently locked and secure.

After the gate incident we took off and went to BRU, BedBath&Beyond, and out to lunch as we were now starving. It was nice to spend the day together, we haven't done that in a while. Last night I worked on Carters growth chart, it was coming along great! The only thing I had to do was glue everything on. So after lunch I decided to do that. I forgot to get glue at Lowes so I looked to see what we had at home and all I had was fabric glue and gorilla glue. Having never worked with it before I figured gorilla glue was the best option. Such a stupid move on my part. I had no idea that stuff expanded as it dried and that it dried all white and puffy! The whole thing is destroyed now, I have to get new letters, numbers and animal cut outs, repaint those. completely sand down the areas they were attached at and repaint the entire board. Basically I'm at my starting point once again, I was so close to done and now this. Grrrrr!!! Oh well, at least I learned a lesson, never ever ever ever use gorilla glue again! lol And now that I know what and how I want to make this thing it shouldn't take me long to have it redone.

Despite those two bad incidents today we did our best to make the best of it and have a good day together. The gate incident really put things into perspective for me. I hugged Nolan a lot closer and a lot longer, even though at times he wasn't as thrilled as I was. Every time he threw a temper tantrum or was whinny I just thanked God that he was ok and unharmed. I still keep torturing myself with the thoughts of what could have happened, not sure when or if I will stop. I'm sure at some point I'm going to have too. I also am not sure if I'll let the boys play outside without me watching them like hawks either. That gate is most definitely secure but the thoughts, images, and that awful heart stopping fear is just too fresh.

Ready for my break!

Good Lord... This weekend was killer. Mark went on a golfing trip, he left Friday from work so we technically hadn't seen him since Thursday night. He got home late last night. Part was business related but most was pleasure. I really didn't mind that he went at first, I knew it was going to be hard to not have any breaks but my BFF and I were going to hang out so I figured I'd barely miss him and the weekend would fly by. Then she just had to go and have her baby a full month early and ruin all my plans! Haha totally kidding there. Still I wanted Mark to have fun, since he rarely ever gets too (not like I ever get to either but I'll discuss that later)

So there I was, sitting at home all weekend long, no breaks, no contact with other adults except the 2 phone calls I got every day from Mark saying, "Hi hun, I'm just calling to say I love and miss you guys, but we're about to walk in to... so I have to run, k, bye. Click. WTF?? Thanks a lot asshole! Finally on Sunday he called and said he had some time to talk. Wow, don't I feel special. Three days later he has time to talk. Whatever. So he's going on and on about his weekend, how he won some stupid award and can't wait till next year... blah blah blah. I stopped him right there and told him there will be no next year. This weekend was hard enough with 2, next year with 3... that's just not happening. Mark didn't like hearing this, I could tell by his tone that he was pissed off by me saying that. Oh fucking well...! We decided to have children so we have to make sacrifices, not just me! I told him the only way he could go next year is if he takes the boys with him. He wasn't liking that idea tho. We ended that phone conversation with an ever so sweet "Well fuck you too" send off. Just what I was looking for after 3 days of not talking to him. Sigh. BTW, the kids were out of range...outside playing. ;)

We didn't speak to each other yesterday, he tried, I ignored. I was just too pissed and feared I'd say something I would regret. He knew he was coming home to an unhappy wife, I'm sure he feared that and I'm secretly happy about it... but I still ignored him, I should have laid into him then but I was just too tired. He leaves for work at 5am, this morning I was half awake when he left, he leaned over to kiss me and I put my hand on his forehead and pushed him away. He then leaned over, kissed my ass, then said he loved me. If there's more of that tonight I'll think about forgiving him.

We did talk this morning. He still says he doesn't know why I'm mad. And truthfully I wouldn't be if he would have started off the Sunday phone conversation with a little compassion. "Gee hun, I'm so sorry this is the first time I'm getting the chance to talk to you... how did your weekend go... Oh I'm so sorry babe, but I really appreciate you taking one for the team and letting me go, I really had a great time and I promise when I get home I'll give you your much needed break..." Seriously, is that too much to ask for? Instead it was more like, "Hi babe, my weekend was great, we did this, ate here, did that, I shot a this, won this, did that, talked to this guy...etc. Isn't that great?" Well fuck you very much, so glad you had such a great time!

A good friend of mine and I were talking about this yesterday. We are truly amazed (more so annoyed) at how men can go off and do whatever it is they're doing, work, play, whatever, and at the same time leave their responsibilities as a husband and father behind them. Like its no big deal. We could never do that! Its not like I can't take weekend vacations with my friends, I just wouldn't. Especially not now, not while they're at the age that they're at. I would get about a mile down the road before I needed to turn around just to make sure they're all ok. I would constantly think of them, worry about them, call them, talk to them... it would be pointless to be away, I wouldn't enjoy myself one bit. How do they do it? Seriously, I want to know.

Simply Put

Nuff said. And you know who you are...

Oh, and please, have a great day. *rolling eyes*

Some updates...

First and foremost, my BFF had her baby girl! OMG she's adorable! Last Monday my BFF got into a "minor" car accident, she was fine but the car wasn't. We think that might have caused things to start moving, or at least it didn't help. The next night we all went out for dinner at Carrabba's, oregano is supposed to be a natural labor starter, so I've heard. Then that night her and her hubs bumped uglies and 2 days later she had her little girl, a month early! She was not trying to start labor, actually she was walking around 4-5 cm dilated and didn't even know it! She went in for a routine check up and was told to go strait over to L&D. Of course she went to Wendy's first, she was hungry, that girl never gets nervous. She got to the hospital at 4:30, doc broke her water at 6:30, her baby girl was born at 8:03pm! Doesn't get much better than that! She had such a fast childbirth, but her little girl was face up so even though she was only 6lbs 5oz, she had a hard delivery and ended up being ripped a new one.... welcome to Mommyhood Lisa!!

Now as for Nolan. I swear that woman is reading this blog! The night I posted about being pissed she called apologizing for not getting back to me sooner. Then she called today saying she's going to have the speech pathologist come to our house to re-evaluate Nolan and she thinks he may need more than one day a week. Very weird that she just came out with that. She feels that his constant drooling is a sign of low muscle tone in the lower jaw so it may be something physical after all. Before when they evaluated him he was teething, so it was hard to tell if the excessive drool was from the teething or low muscle tone. Those teeth are all the way up now, so they can't be the culprit unless he's getting his 2 year molars in which it really doesn't look like he is and he just got his 1 year molars in last month. This meeting went so much better, she spent a lot more time with him. I think it helped that Carter wasn't here, he was at MMO. I'm starting to see more and more that Carter might be the cause to a lot of this as well. I guess I didn't realize how much Carter speaks for Nolan, I'm really picking up on that now. Carter also likes to try to steal the show, loves to be the center of attention. They kept telling me to make sure he's there, I think it went much better without him. Carter definitely has good intentions, he loves his brother so much and he certainly looks out for him a lot, but I think I need to work on getting Carter to back off just as much as I have to work on getting Nolan to speak up for himself. ***Chris you are 100% right about that!!!*** I also told her about Nolan missing MMO by doing these meetings on Friday and she was more than willing to move our dates around. She wants him to keep going to MMO as well and thinks its very good for him. And once again she was another who confirmed he has no signs of Autism, Thank God!!!

My main goal is to just get the communication lines open with Nolan by the time the new baby gets here. With Carter starting Pre-k in August, new baby in September, and the fact that I have come to the realization that despite being right down the road from most of my family, I have zero help to rely on (that's another post), things are about to go from a little crazy to really freaking hectic! I'm looking forward to the extra craziness but it would be a lot easier if the communication issue is somewhat resolved before then.

Chris, We have no issues with leaving him with anyone. He's extremely social at MMO, he loves all the girls there, he's such a ladies man that it isn't even funny! The only problem we are having with him is hitting, I don't know if its just an age thing or the fact that he has no other way to communicate so he uses his hands. This just started and had gotten really bad over the last few days. I feel bad for the other children even tho all the moms tell me not to worry about it and that their kids went through that too. Carter did as well, but he never really hit other kids, only me, Mark, and his cousin who is a year older than he is... but she being older would push him around and take toys from him so he started hitting her to defend himself (not that I condoned that, just an explanation) as a result it became a hard habit to break once he realized he could control her with his hand. They've finally outgrown that.

Kinda pissed off...

Last week was our first meeting with the speech therapist person (can't remember her exact title) and she said she would call this week to set up an appt to meet up this week. She still hasn't called. So that means she will probably call tomorrow and I'm going to have to cancel my plans for Friday to accommodate her. I hate when people call at the last min, I hate when people think that just because I'm a SAHM I can do whatever whenever without a single hint of notice. I don't know what to do, I'm really not happy with this service at all. It's a state funded program and I'm thankful they do it at no charge, but that comes with a price too. The price is waiting, and unfortunately I don't think we have that opportunity. I'm going to speak with my Dr and my insurance and see what else we can do. I'm not trying to be ungrateful here but we are talking about my child who will be two in a month and a half and still isn't speaking or communicating... I'm sorry but 1 hour a week every week isn't going to do shit to help him. I do what she does every fucking day and it doesn't help.

Yikes! Watch out hormones!

Today, not a good day. I think it was because yesterday Mark didn't get home until late. His boss was in town so they went out for a few drinks after work, he didn't get home until after the boys were already in bed, so I had them alllll daaaaay lonnnng yesterday, and alllllll daaaaay lonnnnng today!

Usually that's no biggie for me, but today was not a good day. Mark and I agreed that they are our kids, we will raise them. We have very little help, during the day its all on me. If I have a dr's appt, he comes home to watch them. Yesterday I did get a break for about an hour when I went to the dentist. But having your teeth drilled out is hardly a break, IMO. Good news is dental work is done! So... After I returned it was one thing after another with Nolan. This not being able to communicate thing is taking its toll on the both of us. He wants something in our kitchen, I don't know what that is and he doesn't know how to tell me. He leads me into the kitchen then just stands there and whines. I tried giving various kinds of foods, snack, and drinks. I gave him some plastic cooking utensils that I never use so I don't mind if he breaks them, none of those were what he wanted. When he gets frustrated he goes into a temper tantrum. We had several of those yesterday and the only time I got a break from his whining was when he went to bed. All day long he whined and cried. It was exhausting but when the day was over I figured tomorrow would be better and started doing the chores Mark usually does. By the time I was done with those I was so pooped I went strait to bed.

Unfortunately we got woken up early by Nolan. So this started my day off on the wrong foot. He was whining in the kitchen again, went through the same routine and again nothing satisfied him. We attempted to go to story time at the library then out to lunch with our friends but I knew before we got there that it wasn't going to work. About 20 mins into it I decided to leave. It was too much. Nolan is hitting kids all the time, I assume because he can't speak to them he uses his hands to try to communicate. I know he's not doing it to be mean but I don't know how many times I can say "NO HIT" before he gets it. We've had one home meeting with the therapist last week and honestly, after she left I was very skeptical that she was going to be able to do what she says she is going to do. I didn't click with her at all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't about me, its about Nolan. I'll give her a few more weeks to see if my initial gut reaction was right or wrong.

Anyway back to story time... I left, in tears, I just couldn't take it anymore. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a cryer. If I'm crying its only because I've reached my breaking point, and it takes a lot to get me there. Very few people have seen me cry. My BFF works at the library, she did her best to help me with the boys, helped me get them to the car and helped calm me down a little. We were supposed to go out to lunch with her and another friend but we didn't, I just wanted to go home. On the way home I realized we had no food at the house so I did stop to get lunch at Panera Bread... YUM! I went home and put Nolan to bed, ate lunch and tried to nap but Nolan wouldn't have it that way. Finally I called Mark and broke down on him. He was so great about it, he's had to take a lot of time off of work lately for my doctor appts and dentist appts, I was fully expecting him to tell me to tough it out and he'd be home when he could. Instead he said that he would finish up the project he was working on then come home early. I guess he could tell I needed him more than I was letting on, I was telling him not to come home, that I'd be fine, but he insisted. It was such a huge relief to hear him say that.

When he got home he took the boys outside and let me go grocery shopping alone. Strangely enough, that's actually a big deal! LOL Its so nice to go and concentrate on what I need to do instead of going and having to deal with this one needing this, that, or whatever, and as soon as we get to the furthest spot in the store its inevitable, Carter will have to potty. They fight about this... they fight about that... MOOOOOM Nolan hit me!... WAAAA... You get the picture. However having time to think about what I wanted instead of my usual get in and get out routine meant I spent way more than I should have. It was worth it though!

When I got home Mark had the house cleaned, the boys fed, he took in and put away the groceries for me and started the laundry which is now all done and put away, by him! What more can an overstressed, hormonal, pregnant mom ask for? :)



Also, some updates... My mom is not going to need surgery, YAY! She did have to get a hard cast on her left ankle, she was hoping for another removable one but no such luck. They said her right sprained ankle will take more time to heal and cause the most pain since she has torn ligaments. She sounded so much better today. I think she was most worried about needing surgery so she was happy to find out she didn't need it.

I also got a call from my OB who told me that all my test results for the baby, including the NT scan results which determines if the baby could have downs syndrome, came back perfect. Of course we'll know more after my 20 week scan but as of right now we're pregnant with a healthy little baby!