In a funk...

Not sure why, I've just been in a funk lately. Not really wanting to post or anything. Lots happened this last week, maybe its just the stress from being so busy?

Anyway, Tuesday our stimulus check came, yay! Most if it was going to bills, the rest our vacation. We finally paid off our lawyer so now its just the waiting game on when our official court date is. I can't wait till this is over for good, we've been living this hell for too long, we should have filed 4 years ago but never did. Not sure why, just didn't. We forfeited our CC's 4 years ago so living cash only is something we're used to already, but for some reason this entire ordeal is still very demoralizing. Our lawyer said look for the middle of June. Can't wait but at the same time so not looking forward to this.

I've been searching craigslist like crazy, literally checking it like 50 times a day. Finally the other day it paid off! I found the bouncer I wanted and the swing I wanted for the new baby, both dirt cheap and both in barely used condition. I love getting a good deal! Because of this I decided to splurge a little and get this gorgeous diaper bag I've been eyeing... $20 TJ Maxx special! Its beautiful! Then a good friend of mine said she'd give me her infant car seat, which is awesome considering this is probably our last baby so the idea of spending $100 on a seat our baby would sit in for only a few months wasn't something I really wanted to do. Her son only used it for a few weeks, he didn't like his seat and did better in a convertible so its practically brand new!

On Thursday the stupid speech therapist person stopped by, unannounced, just to tell me face to face that she was sorry she hasn't called and to tell me when she was going to come next week. I was not ok with this and they will be hearing from me on Monday. I was nice to her face but the more I think about this the more pissed off I get. I don't like people stopping by unannounced, I don't take lightly to this sort of thing, and its not like she doesn't have a cell phone, she's called me from hers several times. Anyway Nolan didn't get a session last week because they couldn't fit us in, then again this week, they wanted to do next week but we were supposed to be on vacation. So that's 3 weeks with nothing. Granted one week was our fault but the other two were not. I went from requesting 2 visits per week to nothing for 3. I'm done. They will be hearing from me Monday.

On Friday I took our van in for 2 tires, we had the fronts replaced at Christmas time cause the treads were falling off. The backs were ok but with going on vacation I wanted them taken care of as they were not in good condition for mountain driving. When they took the tires off, they were to move the front newer ones to the back and put 2 new front tires on the front, they noticed my brake pads were worn out and needed to be replaced. My first thought was no biggie, right, how much could that cost... apparently more than I ever imagined. $139 for just front brakes, $149 for just rear brakes, and $91 for a flush. I told them no way, I wanted to shop around first. Thankfully I did. I called Just Brakes, which I felt a little skevy about but I figured I'd give them the benefit of the doubt since they offer their $99 brake job. When I got there I noticed a good friend of mine was working there which made me feel a lot better. He and I go way back, his wife and I were friends in middle school and when they dated in high school we (her husband and I) became pretty good friends. I was in her wedding and everything, lived with them for a few months after high school. Life happened, I moved away then they did. We kept in phone contact but eventually lost touch with the exception of that yearly Christmas card. I felt so much better knowing he was doing my brakes, he's a great mechanic and I fully trust him. Unfortunately I didn't just need brake pads, I also needed 2 new rotors. I don't even want to know what the tire place would have charged me for those, but thanks to Just Brakes awesome deal I drove out of there with 2 new rotors, 4 brake pads, and a flush for $350... Tire place wanted nearly $400 for just the pads and flush alone! Thank God we discovered this problem before we left, our brakes were down to the bottom, I don't even want to think about what could have happened had we not known and went anyway.

Needless to say this unexpected brake issue forced us to cancel our vacation. We could still go up there but we wouldn't be able to do anything fun, so whats the point? We wouldn't even be able to afford the gas to drive around and sight see! It sucks, but really it was for the best. A lot happened last week that kept telling Mark and I that we shouldn't be going. Last time something like this happened we ended up pregnant, granted that can't possibly happen again but I really believe in signs and this was definitely ours. Mark is still taking some time off at the end of the week, on Thursday we're going to the beach and on Friday we're going to the Florida Aquarium. The boys will love having daddy around, I'm really looking forward to the family time as well!

Tomorrow is Mothers day. I'm not really looking forward to it but of course I'm so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate it. The reason I'm not looking forward to it is because of my own mother. Its hard for me to celebrate these days with someone who I think was not necessarily the worst mother, but she also wasn't the best. This goes for fathers day too. I hate buying cards, all these cards that are mushy and gushy saying things like "Mom, nobody compares to you..." or "Mom, you made my life so much better..." I just can't bring myself to buy those cards, sign my name, and hand it over. It would be a lie. The newest drama going on with them is they finally admitted that they don't like the boys. This has been going on for a long time, both my parents favor my older sister and my younger sister, me and my other sister have always been the black sheep, and to no surprise we are also the closest. Anyway older sister has 2 girls, and my parents spoil the hell out of them. They're good to the boys, sometimes, but nothing like they are with my sisters girls. Their favoritism is something I am used too, I never in a million years thought my boys would have to get use to it too. It makes me so sad that my kids will never have grandparents that love them unconditionally. My grandparents were the best, I miss my grandmother so much it hurts, my kids will never get that. Not that I want them to hurt but even though my grandmother passed when I was 15 I wouldn't trade a single memory with her and cherish all that I have. Marks parents are older and not as interested, plus they live 3 hours away. I hate saying this but they bore the boys. They're very quiet and not very energetic people. The boys like action. Anyway my parents claim that the boys are too much for them, that they wear them out, and that unlike my sisters kids, you can't just turn the TV on for them and have them sit there for hours on end watching TV and not getting into things. I could buy the wearing them out excuse if they weren't always partying and going dancing. They seem to have all the energy in the world to do everything but spend time with their grandsons. Then she says something I will never forget, that my kids just don't listen, especially Nolan. This hurt more than words describe. Nolan does listen, he doesn't fucking understand!! How many fucking times do I have to tell my mother this before it sinks in... he doesn't understand, this is why I have been breaking my back trying to get him into therapy with almost no success at all, and as hard as its been and all the criticism I've heard from opinionated people who don't know shit about what they're talking about, my mother was the last person I expected to hear it from. People at the park ask me why he's not talking, people at the grocery store, Target, the mall... wherever we go they look at me funny when I say he's 2 and doesn't talk yet. I explain to them what's going on and whether they get it or not I don't really care. My mother on the other hand, I can't be forgiving of her ignorance anymore. I hated feeling like I didn't have her unconditional love growing up, I'll be damned if I let them do that to my children. Sad as it is, we live less than 10 mins away yet they, by their choice, will have to watch their grandsons grow up in pictures. So yeah, Happy fucking Mothers day to you mom... You're the best...