Thinking about my Nolan

I have a crap load of shit to do, fam is coming over tomorrow for Easter and yet I have no desire to clean or cook, I can't stop thinking about my little Nolan.

I've mentioned before that he's still not speaking, he babbles but there is little communication accept for him whining and us playing the guessing game on what he wants. He's 22 months, he should have at least 20 words by now, he has 1, "hi". We had our first evaluation with a group of therapists, one being a speech pathologist. They determined he is communicating at a 4 month level, which I think is a bit harsh. I've never seen a 4 month old communicate the way he does, he's plenty more advanced than a 4 month old, but they are the "experts".

He does communicate with us, we can carry on a babbling conversation, he seems to understand but we don't! Its cute! But realistically by now he should be understanding more commands and speaking a few more words than he does. And its not necessarily the lack of words, more so the lack of receptive language. Like if I say, "give me the ball" or "throw this in the trash" or "give mommy your blanket"... etc. He should be able to follow those commands, he doesn't. There are a few little commands he can follow, like if I ask for hugs he will give them to me, same with kisses and give me 5. However those are commands most children learn before or at the age of 1, Nolan is just now catching onto those commands.

Its not that he's not smart, I can tell by the way he plays and interacts that he's very intelligent, he just doesn't know how to speak. The therapists and pathologist we spoke with felt that its not a physical problem, that he's capable of talking, we just need to teach him how and he's going to need a little extra help. We are having a therapist come to our house once a week and their goal is that within 6 months Nolan will have 15 words that he uses appropriately. That's great, but realistically that would still put him far behind other children his age.

It's gotten to the point when people ask me how old Nolan is I just say 1 instead of 22 months. When I use to tell them he'll be 2 in May they would instantly start asking him questions and trying to get him to talk, and when he wouldn't they'd look at me as if he was dumb, almost as if their facial expressions were saying, "What is wrong with your child!" I'm not embarrassed by him, I'm embarrassed for him. He doesn't understand, which is great, but I hate that people are judging my son when they don't know him. I actually had one family member ask if the reason he was so stupid is because he has a small head? Where do people come up with this shit?

I try to tell myself that it's all going to be ok and that one day we'll look back at this, laugh, and wish he'd give us a moment of peace and quiet. It doesn't help. Good friends and family all say not to worry about it, he'll talk when he's ready. But how can I not! Until you've been told by a speech pathologist that your nearly 2 year old child is speaking and communicating at a 4 month old level please do not tell me not to worry about it! I'm his mother, its my job to worry about it!

I keep going over everything in my head, trying to find a reason this is happening to my little man. What did I do, was it my fault because I forgot every now and then to take my prenatal vitamins? Was it a medication I took during my pregnancy for nausea or heartburn? Was it because he was so small at birth even though he was born full term? Was it because he got so sick when he was just a few months old and almost had to be hospitalized due to RSV? Was the 1 year I breastfed not long enough? Why??? I know I'll never know why, if there even is a reason why, but I'm the kind of person who needs reasons to this sort of thing, and not having one is just eating at me. Especially because if its something I did, or didn't do, I'd like to not make that mistake again with our new little one.