I keep telling myself... It could have been worse...

Today was one of those days I hope never repeats itself. Some parts of the day were ok, but the morning was not. It could have been worse. It should have never happened. But it still could have been worse. Having one of those heart stopping mommy moments start my Sunday morning off was not what I anticipated.

It all started yesterday. My sister called me early to let me know that a neighbor by my parents house was having a garage sale and there was an outside play gym for sale, that it was in good condition and I should take a look. We have been looking for something like this for a while, its not "the one" but its one that will do until we can get them the set I'd like to get. Having such a big back yard I really have been working at getting some fun outside things to do. They have a play house but Carter has outgrown that, we're getting them a sand box for their birthday next month so the only thing they really don't have was a play gym with a slide. When I got to the garage sale and saw it I thought to myself FINALLY! It was perfect for the boys and best of all, only $25! Score! I called hubby up and told him to come get it.

We get it home and we both look at each other with the same expression on our faces, how are "we" going to get this in our back yard... I'm not supposed to lift anything over 25lbs (I do anyway but this was definitely beyond what I should do.) Somehow Mark got it in by himself, but he did have one little helper. Carter was so excited and begged to help daddy out. We agreed to let him help as long as he stood out of the way. I didn't realize what a mistake that was. He watches daddy's every move, he wants to be just like him, of course. What 3 year old boy doesn't want to be just like daddy? Carter didn't miss a thing, including how to open the lock on the gate.

So this morning we all wake up around 7am. It was nice waking up to Mark being home, for a change. This was the first morning he's had off, with us, in the last month. The boys were wound up and wanting to play outside, I opened the door and let them go while I made breakfast. Mark was in the bedroom reading the news on the computer. It was a typical Sunday morning when Mark is home. From the kitchen I have full view of our completely fenced in back yard. We live in the kind of neighborhood where people watch out for everyone and there's always someone outside enjoying the peacefulness our neighborhood has to offer. Keep in mind the majority of the people in the city we live in are elderly folks. There is no such thing as crime in our little town. I grew up here, I trust the people here, and even though its sometimes a bore to live here, I feel safe here. Which is the one and only reason I haven't left yet. Needless to say I feel completely comfortable letting my kids play in the back yard without feeling the need to watch over them like hawks. If I can hear them and I can see them, then I'm good.

While making breakfast I notice the boys got quiet. This usually means they're digging in the dirt like dogs and don't want mommy to come out there and yell at them. As much as I can't stand that, I wish that was the case. I can't see the boys anywhere so I immediately stopped what I was doing to go look for them. My heart is pounding. Where were they? I saw Carter first, he was by the edge of the gate playing with something, I don't even know what he was playing with, all I saw was him and the opened gate. Nolan was no where to be found. I asked Carter where Nolan was, I apparently shouted this since not only did Carter hear me but so did my next door neighbor and Mark who was inside and oblivious to anything going on. The gate was open... finally it sunk in that my baby escaped. I ran right out to the street, I looked left, then right, still no sign of him. My heart was racing, I was screaming for Mark to hurry up. Across the street from us is a row of houses, behind those houses is a pond. I was just about to run to that pond although every ounce of me did not want too. I just couldn't believe this was happening. It felt like forever but was probably just a few seconds before another neighbor 2 doors down came walking down the side walk with Nolan in her hands. She was walking her dog and Nolan came up to greet her and her puppy. Thank God and every one of our Guardian Angels! I instantly burst into tears, my neighbor hugged me and told Nolan that he shouldn't scare his mommy like that. Nolan being the sweet little lover he is hugged me, then went back to wanting to cuddle with my neighbor. Its a good thing he's such a people person! My neighbor kept telling me it was ok, these things happen and that's why this is such a great community because we all watch out for each other...etc. I know that, but that doesn't make this right. *IF* she had woken up a few mins earlier and wasn't outside at the time... *IF* Nolan didn't see anyone else and wandered across the street to the pond... *IF*.... I keep going over all of these if's in my mind. I feel my punishment for letting this happen is to torture myself with these if's so I make sure it never happens again.

The part that makes me the most upset was that this has happened before, sort of. We had just moved in, crap was everywhere and I couldn't find anything, including my good baby gate (which has yet to appear.) The only one I could find was my cheap little wooden one, it did the job, but apparently was not Carter proof. We had just gotten a new lawnmower from my dad and Carter was completely infatuated with it. He wanted to go outside and look at it. I said no. I went to the bathroom and while I was peeinig he was knocking down the gate and doing what I told him he couldn't do. I was gone for just a second and as soon as I was done I realized what happened. Thankfully they didn't go far and I spotted them quickly. I brought them inside, and while I'm not usually one to spank my kids I did spank Carter for this and explained to him that his actions could have caused himself and/or Nolan to get seriously hurt, or worse. Immediately after I went to Target and bought a gate that's not only Carter proof, its pretty much adult proof to everyone but Mark and I.

This time around I did not spank Carter. It obviously didn't work, he doesn't understand the seriousness of what could happen. He loves his brother and watches out for him, but he's 3 and is not his babysitter. He realized after that what he did was wrong, he was upset and cried to me that he would never do that again. Well I already know that, I would definitely make sure of that! The gate has a lock on it that I thought was childproof, and it may very well be but Carter is not the average child and it obviously was not Carter proof! We decided to skip breakfast and went strait to Lowes, our gate now has 2 heavy duty chains with 2 heavy duty master locks on them. The key's are hidden in a spot I probably will never remember so I think its safe to say that this particular gate is permanently locked and secure.

After the gate incident we took off and went to BRU, BedBath&Beyond, and out to lunch as we were now starving. It was nice to spend the day together, we haven't done that in a while. Last night I worked on Carters growth chart, it was coming along great! The only thing I had to do was glue everything on. So after lunch I decided to do that. I forgot to get glue at Lowes so I looked to see what we had at home and all I had was fabric glue and gorilla glue. Having never worked with it before I figured gorilla glue was the best option. Such a stupid move on my part. I had no idea that stuff expanded as it dried and that it dried all white and puffy! The whole thing is destroyed now, I have to get new letters, numbers and animal cut outs, repaint those. completely sand down the areas they were attached at and repaint the entire board. Basically I'm at my starting point once again, I was so close to done and now this. Grrrrr!!! Oh well, at least I learned a lesson, never ever ever ever use gorilla glue again! lol And now that I know what and how I want to make this thing it shouldn't take me long to have it redone.

Despite those two bad incidents today we did our best to make the best of it and have a good day together. The gate incident really put things into perspective for me. I hugged Nolan a lot closer and a lot longer, even though at times he wasn't as thrilled as I was. Every time he threw a temper tantrum or was whinny I just thanked God that he was ok and unharmed. I still keep torturing myself with the thoughts of what could have happened, not sure when or if I will stop. I'm sure at some point I'm going to have too. I also am not sure if I'll let the boys play outside without me watching them like hawks either. That gate is most definitely secure but the thoughts, images, and that awful heart stopping fear is just too fresh.